White Silk Wellness

There are many ways to define intimacy; one definition is as follows:

a feeling of closeness and connection in an interpersonal relationship

Now, this can be interpreted in many ways; your particular interpretation truly depends on how you grew up and the influences that existed around your younger self. It was under these influences that a belief was born about both what intimacy is and how it’s expressed.

There are two types of intimacy: physical (or sexual) intimacy and emotional intimacy. It is the latter, emotional intimacy, that I will be discussing today. 

Emotional intimacy is the roots on which relationships grow; it is where trust is born. This is the place where we are mutually vulnerable—it is an openness borne of sharing our deepest dreams, hurts, and fears. When we’re able to share a range of thoughts, feelings and experiences, when we take our armour down: this is where the richness of connection flourishes.

The highest level of emotional intimacy requires trust—when we feel safe, we can fearlessly share the depths of our inner world. We dive into deep and vulnerable conversations wanting compassion and acceptance. We have a fear of judgment, believing if we show our true selves, we won’t be loved, providing proof that we are not loveable. Yet, this is also where we can be deeply loved, and acceptance of our honest, authentic selves can become a moment where something shifts inside, offering an opportunity for us to repair the part of ourself that is scared to reveal the “darkness” within—the part that we believe is not lovable.

We can have emotionally intimate relationships in many places in our life, not just with a romantic partner. Platonic intimacy is that emotional bond that can become the foundation of the most supportive and caring of friendships—it is where there is mutual trust, respect, longevity, stability, flexibility, and freedom for personal growth. It can actually be more challenging to allow emotional intimacy to grow in romantic relationships, as our past experiences can often get in the way of truly trusting our partners. Fear of emotional intimacy involves a superficial closeness that mimics a genuine connection due to skimming the surface of emotional depth but never actually delving deep enough to truly connect. This superficial attempt at emotional intimacy is often where physical intimacy (sex) is used to compensate for a lack of meaningful connection, leaving emotional needs unmet for both partners.

This pseudo-intimacy is when two people share space but they don’t share what actually matters. It is a shallow connection disguised as closeness, and often it is a generational pattern that appears “normal” to those involved, as the relationship mimics the relationships of our parents, grandparents and other important adults of our youth. This unintentional mimicking of the relationships we grew up around, and our lack of exposure to emotionally intimate relationships is often how we find ourselves with a pattern of pseudo-intimate relationships.

When we avoid emotional intimacy, it shows where our emotional tolerance ends: there is a discomfort in connection and vulnerability that we want to avoid, but this can negatively impact our relationships, personal growth, and both our physical and emotional wellbeing.

Blocks to emotional intimacy become a pattern that we are often unconscious of. For most of us, changing these patterns and revealing the source of our emotional blocks requires deep reflection and searching within ourselves and our pasts, and possible professional assistance in making sense of what we find and learning how to move past our blocks.

Improving the emotional intimacy in any relationship requires communication, having new experiences together, prioritizing quality time and addressing issues. Building trust, expressing our innermost thoughts and feeling, and being consistent in our connection and communication strengthens the bond. This strength of connection and emotional intimacy allows both partners to feel more valued and desired, which in turn makes the physical intimacy much more meaningful, pleasurable, and fulfilling.

To crave a person’s presence, more than their body, is the ultimate and purest form of intimacy.